When thoughts start dancing,
I forget, and start believing
I have to prove myself.
To others.
Maybe even to God —
because fear taught me to run, even there.

Even when I tried to meditate,
the thoughts wouldn’t leave me.
Even when I tried to be silent,
the back of my mind was on a treadmill —
always moving, never quite still.

Those thoughts ran and ran
until they just got tired.

I kept listening to all those great souls,
kept searching.
My mind was at peace,
my body relaxed,
and a soft warmth filled me.

But still… something was missing.

A small voice at the back of my mind said,
“You get it, but are you really living it?”

It was like all that knowing just stayed on the surface,
never truly sinking in.

But there was still this gap.
Not their fault.
It was my own fire to walk through.
That place no one else can reach for me.
Where I have to stand by myself —
yet somehow, still held.

And when I finally settled into that quiet place inside,
there weren’t even thoughts anymore.
Just tears,
and this quiet knowing:

I was never truly lost.
Only waiting
to become quiet enough to feel it.

— Jayasudha
unspoken, still